Panthers long time coach and former star leaves team hanging
By "Bucky Katz"

Regular Season 2156 (Charlotte) - A Carolina legend is involved with his team no more.

'I'm too old for this *censored*', Jones said in the locker room after his last game, a 24-3 loss to Baltimore. Today, his words had a deeper meaning.

Panthers Head Coach Kevin Jones resigned late last night after a 1-4 start in which his team, quite frankly, has looked terrible.

'The offense stinks, the defense stinks, the special teams stink, and I need a shower cause I stink,' Jones told the media in a post game tirade of which most was untransmittable because of brain download decency regulations.

Another legend, former running back Jim Mason, will run the team at least until the end of the season.

'I guess even though we tried to warn Kevin that this would happen, he still thought his team could somewhat compete,' Panthers GM 'Trader' Lee Remley said in a statement announcing the resignation. 'That was one reason why we didn't do a total gutting of the roster, out of respect to our coach. That is something we will rectify after the season, especially if this kind of performance, or lack thereof, continues.'

Panthers fans had mixed feelings.

'I'm glad he's calling them out,' the self-proclaimed 'Big Cat' said outside the team's headquarters where he keeps his silver and black pup tent during the season. 'They need a wake up call. They are playing uninspired football, and that is because of the coach.'

But other fans are downright despondent.

'Coach Jones has been one of our long time favorites here, sugar,' rabid fan Bertha Snapp told the Galactic Holograhic Network early this morning. 'I hate to see him go. Now they say they're gonna gut the rest of the team? That is hard to hear for those of us that are faithful fans through and through.'

Even the league's commissioner was downcast after hearing the news of Jones' resignation.

'I'm gonna miss Fred,' he said.