It could be worse

Dophins stack up against worst teams of the last century
By "Skip Jackson"

Off-Season 2173 (Davie, FL) - We all know the numbers by now. They’ve been splashed across local sports sections since the end of the regular season. 0 and 14. Yes, our beloved Dolphins completed the perfect season this year, able to navigate fourteen regular season games without winning, even by accident, a single one of them. It was an abysmal season that everyone, including rookie GM Mike Piper, would like to forget as soon as possible.

But how bad were they, really? Over the past 100 seasons, from 2073 through 2172, there have been 28 winless teams. Two of these, Dallas in 2124 and Oakland in 2168, were able to at least pull out a tie. That leaves 26 teams that have gone 0-14 over the past 100 years…including the 2172 Dolphins. So how do they stack up against the rest? I asked our crack research team to look at the numbers and come up with a ranking system. We chose a few key categories, including points scored (for, against and difference), net yards gained (rushing, passing and combined), net yards allowed (rushing, passing and combined), and turnover margin. We ranked each of the 26 teams in every category, then added them up for a final score…leaving us with the one worst team of the last 100 seasons. But before we unveil the winner, a few interesting facts:

• 7 times a team has gone at least two consecutive years without a win, including three straight for both Houston (2088-2090) and Washington (2074-2076).
• The Dallas Cowboys actually finished five straight seasons at 0-14. That’s a combined 70 consecutive losses.
• Nearly every team on the list is a repeat offender. Dallas leads the way with seven 0-14 seasons, followed by Washington (6), Green Bay (3), Baltimore (3), Houston (3) and Chicago (2). Only Carolina and Miami appear just once.
• Based on the numbers, a negative turnover margin certainly helps in the quest for loss perfection, but it is not a requirement. Both Washington in 2076 and Dallas in 2154 were +1 for the year.
• Of the 26 teams, only four rushed for over 1,000 yards: 2109 Dallas, 2143 Dallas, 2146 Carolina and 2165 Green Bay
• Besides not being able to run the ball, nearly every team on the list had trouble stopping the opposing offense. On average, the terrible twenty-six allowed 3,315 yards passing and 2,725 yards rushing for the year.
• 20/26 teams gave up at least 2,000 more yards than they gained. Of those, 11 allowed at least 3,000 more, and four of those allowed better than 4,000 yards than they gained. Two teams were out gained by over FIVE THOUSAND YARDS!
• The majority of this unlucky bunch were balanced in their badness, having in inept offense to go along with a terrible defense. Here too a few standouts should be mentioned:
o The 2153 Dallas squad managed to scrape together only 1,525 yards of total offense. That’s less yards than Terry Minter, Mike Tharpe and Ted Baldwin each had on the ground this past season.
o On the other side of the ball, Houston in 2088 allowed 4,191 yards rushing. That’s an average of almost 300 yards per game!

So what does this all mean? Who was the worst team of the past 100 years? Was it the 2172 Miami Dolphins? Hardly. While going 0-14 is nothing to write home about, the team stacks up well in most categories, historically speaking. In fact the Futile Fins top the list in both passing yards and total yards of offense, while finishing 3rd in rushing yards allowed and 4th in total yards allowed. In other words they were bad, but not overly so. After studying the statistics, the main areas of concern were passing yards allowed (20th), rushing yards gained (17th) and turnover margin (where a -16 is somehow only 14th). Add it all up, and our boys come in as only the 19th worst team of the 26 perfect losers in the last century.

But who tops the list? Which team is the worst of the worst? That honor goes to the 2100 Chicago Bears. Losing every game by an average score of 52-3, they rushed for a grand total of 284 yards, while allowing a whopping 7,289 yards of total offense to their opponents. Ouch!

So take heart Miami fans. At least we’re not in Chicago.

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