Exclusive interview with absent Cincinnati top brass
By "Porsche Lynn Commode"

Off-Season 2258 (Cincinnati) - After he had been absent from public view for several days, this reporter was contacted by the Bengals PR director for an exclusive interview with the Cincinnati GM 'Trader' Lee Remley. So on behalf of the press, we happily obliged.

Q: Thank you for your time. So where have you been hiding?

A: I haven't been hiding, just preparing for the offseason, an important one for our team. May I say your skin looks positively porcelain today? In the old days, I could see you sitting on a throne somewhere.

Q: Thank you. But don't think that will stop me asking the tough questions.

A: I wouldn't dream of thinking it, Porsche. Push on.

Q: So I take it from social media that your season was disappointing.

A: To say the least. From possible contention to the 2nd pick overall. Just saying.

Q: You hired a new team PR Director, Ms. Ito. We have missed your daily briefings because she has no sense of humor that we are aware of.

A: Thank you, but updating the press after every trade, rumor, a player's ill advised social media posts, etc. was exhausting work. Our new PR Director can do that very competently now and that leaves me to doing my real job, which is make this team better. Seiko actually has a wicked sense of humor but it's subtle.

Q: You already traded your quarterback.

A: Bryan had some good years here but he never took us to the next level. We believe Eric is the Wright one to get us there. The fans just have to give him time.

Q: So this is a rebuild?

A: I hope not, I'm too old to wait around. I call it a reshaping of the roster. We have the bones of a good team, we just need to motivate some people.

Q: Speaking of that, you were critical of your high earning players.

A: Not just the high earning ones. But those guys particularly are paid well to perform. If they don't, then we need to re-examine that.

Q: What are you looking for in the draft?

A: Good players. You know me better than that, Porsche. I never show my hand. But there's a heck of a draft in my office when the AC is on.

Q: Thank you for sitting down with me.

A: My pleasure.

Editor's note: After transcribing this back at my Ohio Riverside office, I realized he didn't tell me a dang thing I didn't already know.

Except...a PR person really does have a sense of humor (who knew?), and there is a really bad draft in the Bengals offices when the AC is on. Breaking news!