Why Thul Must Go
By "Carl Gerbschmidt, Special Guest Columnist"

Playoffs 2271 (Elk Mound, WI) - As the model franchise in all of galactic history, it is time to examine the managerial health of the Packers. With the annual shareholders meeting approaching and as an owner of the team, I move that the Green Bay Packers relieve GM Mark Thul from his position.

WHEREAS: Mark Thul has brought an attitude of neglect to the organization, as he has yet to respond to any of the 25,384 suggestions for improvement I've personally made in his 16 years leading the team; and

WHEREAS: Mark Thul has personally embiggened players false conceptions of Wisconsin culture, having himself made disparaging comments about the population's treasured drinking habits and snipe hunts; and

WHEREAS: Mark Thul displays horrable personal hygiene, as his odor routinely stands out in a crowd due to, what he calls, a 'modest use of cologne;' and

WHEREAS: Mark Thul failed to deliver a Sundby championship in 2269, falling to the Oakland Raiders, and followed that effort up by failing to even make the championship game in 2270; and

WHEREAS: Mark Thul was born in Minnesota and still maintains a vacation home there, proving that his loyalties are not pure; and

WHEREAS: Mark Thul suggested the player personnel were 'his' players and, since his installation as GM, has banned the community hazing of players, including the traditional 'Kiester Cheese' and the week-long 'Milwaukee's Best Beer Pong Challenge;' and

WHEREAS: Packer fans are entitled to a GM who delivers a championship every season, or at least every other, and not doing that these past two seasons is a gross dereliction of duty; and

WHEREAS: Mark Thul suggested that all Packer stock is an 'essentially worthless marketing gimmick to dupe fans' and banned alcohol at the shareholder meeting, which has made attendance such that Lambeau field is no longer a needed venue, as annual attendance now fits within the party room of the Green Bay YMCA; and

WHEREAS: The Packers are a excellent franchise which thrives because of it's stock holders and fans and NOT because of it's general manager;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that, in light of all the damage that has been done to this organization and the continued failure to produce cromulent results, Mark Thul be removed as GM of the Green Bay Packers.

The annual shareholders meeting is coming up before the playoffs, and I urge all my fellow shareholders to attend. We need to oust this bozo, and I'm sure his influence on the team will result in yet another disappointing end to the season.

Sincerely,
Carl Gerbschmidt