USAFL pulls out all the stops for their annual selection meeting
By "Ryan Seacrest XVI"

Off-Season 2290 (Honolulu) - The evening started out with Tsunami warnings. The GMs looked at each other with concern until hula girls brought out trays with drinks called a Tsunami for each GM. Platters of Spam, Puka Dogs, a whole Kalua Pig, and lots of Poi were laid out on a buffet to complement the drinks.

Pittsburgh GM Jay Petty continued to try his hand at stand-up comedy...or sit down comedy in this case since he was sitting at the Pittsburgh table.

“What does San Francisco hope to get in the draft? Gold!”

“What does a Panthers fan hope to get for Christmas? Their first win!”

Petty ended up ducking as Commissioner Lou Lombardo came out with one of those old vaudeville hooks to get him to stop delaying the start of the night’s actual festivities, telling him they needed to get started because the Giants had some picks. The Commissioner made his usual opening remarks which were very dull in comparison but he gets paid well for this kind of thing.

The opening festivities out of the way, the GMs got down to business. San Francisco shocked the draft room by bypassing the possible franchise QB at the top of the draft and selected DE Kurt Gash first overall. Houston, from a phone call by someone who identified himself as a jet lagged Patrick Sicher but not verified and we had doubts because he never picks this well, picked the QB Jason Price #2 overall. In the end, Houston got a lot of offensive weapons and had a good night.

Carolina led the evening by opening with 10 picks in the draft, but Philadelphia swung a deal with Baltimore to pick up enough extra picks to put them at 11. The Jets fans booed until they realized they didn’t have a team in the league anymore,then started booing the Eagles picks because as one old guy with a weird orange tan and a bad comb over said “Joisey is Yuge and Philly is close enough to be my kind of people.” Philly GM Andrew Lewis, on the other hand, ignored the extra rude fans and kept having fun taunting the Carolina table that he had more picks now. Carolina got their revenge, however, by drafting players the Eagles liked ahead of Philly.

The draft was a total bust for Green Bay, whose GM had apparently been out partying with Carl Gerbschmidt and missed his flight and therefore, the whole thing, so their picks were all bypassed. Sorry, Packer fans.

It was getting kind of strange toward the end and maybe some GMs had been hit with too many tsunamis, because picks were being made that even got famed draft guru Todd Kiper diving through his spreadsheets to find out more about some of these guys. But with characteristic knowledge, Kiper came through like a trooper.

At the end of the evening, when everyone took their Rolaids and went in search of a White Castle to have their favorite after drinking food, all agreed on one thing - it was once more a memorable night.