USAFL annual player selection meeting goes off without a hitch
By "Ryan Seacrest XVI"

Off-Season 2291 (Los Angeles Island) - It was a dark and stormy night.

But that didn't stop the show, as the USAFL celebrated their 2291 annual player selection meeting this year, once again in warmer clims.

Besides the fact that it gave the USAFL people the chance to play Randy Newman for the first time in about 200 years, it gave the USAFL GMs a chance to hopefully get some sun and hit the beaches, but that hope died when they saw the weather report from NBC's Roxie Roker.

A surprise attendee this year was Houston GM Patrick Sicher, who attended this year's draft after the Commissioner said 'Houston, we have a problem' in his best Tom Hanks impression after hearing their GM was planning to phone it in from the French Riviera, where he wanted to see if 'that blonde chick really lived there.' Speculation still is rampant about which of the 10 billion blonde women in the known human colonies of the universe he was referring to.

However, the draft wasn't without controversy. No shows were Washington GM Mike Manuel, who claimed he just couldn't break the gridlock in Washington and missed the first overall pick in the draft, and Philadelphia GM Andrew Lewis, who claimed he left his wallet in El Segundo and had to go back to get it.

The second controversy was Los Angeles hosting the draft to show off for the USAFL for possible relocation or expansion. Commissioner Lou Lombardo indicated that the USAFL had no plans for either at this time but city officials hung out at the draft and glad handed league executives hoping to make an impression.

The draft actually moved at a rapid pace despite the fact the Giants had 12 picks. New York actually seemed to have a good draft on paper and acquired more picks the next few seasons than Carter has peanuts.

THe night ended in monsoon style rains outside the Tom Hanks Memorial Theatre. They used to say it never rained in Southern California but that was before the effects of climate change and the major earthquake where L.A. became an island. The GMs sat around with holographic cigars and synthetic brandy waiting it out before heading back to their respective cities to prepare for the upcoming season.