Vikings Plunder Bears
By "Otis Tackleberry"

Regular Season 2100 (Chicago, IL) - The Chicago Bears have suffered their most embarassing moment in franchise history... a one-hundred-and-one to none disaster. Are The Monsters of the Midway are in hibernation? It would seem so. The Bears total NEGATIVE 45 yards on offense.

So far this season, the offense has been shutout three times, and second-year QB Jonathan Cole has been sacked 54 times. Last year, he was sacked 128 times in 840 plays. In other words, Cole hit the ground at least once every 6.5625 times (and probably more than that, since USAFL does not track knockdowns or hurries). This year, Cole has been sacked 54 times in 286 plays, or once very 5.3 plays. Despite this, Cole has only been intercepted 5 times. Either way, Chicago needs to find a QB with loose hips. Rumor has it they were auditioning The Lord of the Dance.

Even the special teams was horrible. The Bears allowed two punt returns for touchdowns, as Vikings returnman Peterson ran back 12 punts for 390 yards. In addition, Peterson caught eight passes for 145 yards and four touchdown catches. In total, Peterson put up 535 yards coupled with six touchdowns.

For the season, the Bears kick coverage unit has been an abomination. The punt coverage is allowing 29.3 yards per punt return, effectively negating the boomling leg of rookie Amos Moore (50.1 gross, 30.6 net). Looked at another way, Moore has punted for 2,106 while the punt coverage has given up 819 of those yards due to poor tackling.

One bright spot: Safety Sean Daluiso might break the record for tackles in a season, set by Keith Brady 2037 (163). Daluiso currently has 63 tackles.