Longtime Eagles QB Announces Retirement; Blames Miles Acquisition
By "Irv Moniker"

Pre-Season 2153 (Philadelphia) - With just hours before their regular season opener in the nation's capital versus the Redskins, longtime Eagles veteran quarterback Jonah Christiansen announced he demanded the organization place him on the InActive List for the 2153 season, essentially retiring from professional football.

'We heard there were fisticuffs in the offensive film session late last night,' said Eagles team captain DE Albert Noble, 'with Jonah going at it with Joel Miles.'

Word had trickled out of the Birds' training camp that the front office was pressuring the coaching staff to give Miles the bulk of the snaps with the first team, basically telling them they wanted him to be the starter in 2153.

Christensen is coming off his finest season yet in the USA Football League, leading the 10-4 Eagles to their first NFC East division championship in years, their first NFC championship in decades, and their first trip to the Sundby Cup in just as long. Friends say he was excited at the team's prospects for the upcoming season and was hoping to repeat their NFC run and win a Sundby before retiring. It now seems like it won't happen.

Christiansen has played more, despite being a year younger than Miles - throwing for 31,645yds, 167TDs, 100INTs, with a 76.8 QB rating in his eleven seasons in Philadelphia. Miles has thrown for only 24,253yds, 123TDs, 69INTs, with a 83.6 QB rating in his twelve seasons playing for both the Baltimore Ravens and the New York Football Giants.

The Eagles front office were touting Miles' post-season experience, but our sources tell us there has long been tension between Christiansen and several of the team's offensive linemen. Not the kind of thing you want when you're trying to build a cohesive unit for the future. Christiansen was reportedly upset that the linemen worked harder for rushing yards than they did pass-blocking for him.

Now all eyes on are Joel Miles. He's been announced the starter for the 2153 Philadelphia Eagles - that feature two 1,000+yd running backs from last season. There is potential for quite a fireworks show ... time to sit back and enjoy the show.

Something Jonah Christiansen will be able to do to ... from his cozy spot on the InActive list.