Packer Super Fan In State of Delirium
By "Chet R. Brain"

Off-Season 2267 (Elk Mound, WI) - 'I am above the law!' shouted Carl Gerbschmidt on his way out of the Dunn County Courthouse in Menomonie. 'My leadership has led the way to three consecutive Packer championships. As an owner, this state owes me!'

Apparently Gerbschmidt's use of alcohol is, somehow, on the rise. Gerbschmidt was arrested several times over the past month since the Packers last championship. The incidents include, but aren't limited to: encouraging a fight among eleven 8-year olds, pouring thousands of Skittles on Highway S, stealing his neighbor's car (twice), and attempting to enter a liquor store by cutting a door by using a chainsaw (the store was actually open at the time.)
At one of his arrests, his blood alcohol level was four times the legal limit.

'People are blowing this out of proportion,' said Gerbschmidt in a private interview. 'Nobody got killed. This isn't the Purge. But when the Packers win it all, all owners get at least four months to do anything they want. So, it is like the Purge, but, well, just, you know, without the killing.'

Authorities have placed an ankle monitor on Gerbschmidt for the remainder of his 'four month' celebration and have restricted him to work and home for that period. He also is not allowed any alcohol.

'This just isn't fair,' stated Gerbschmidt. 'I'm a Packer fan and a resident of Wisconsin. Not allowing me alcohol is cruel and unusual. I have rights!'